Assumptions

The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions.  Don Miguel Ruiz

Random Mental Meanderings

How reluctantly the mind consents to reality!  ~Norman Douglas

Wow…so simple, yet so true.  We live inside our wants and desires. We hold fast to our memories and fantasies. We cling to the safety of what was.

Tides of Change

Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age.  Sometimes age just shows up all by
itself.  ~Tom Wilson

I have often said that age is much too high a price to pay for wisdom. The above is true though. Age is inevitable. Wisdom must be sought or learned from (often bad) experience. Now, the Buddhist in me, or the Taoist in me, or the Scientist in me will argue that no experiences are inherently bad…we just choose to interpret them that way. But the betrayed husband in me and the father in me can find an easy judgment leaning away from neutrality about the experiences happening these past 2+ years.

Dia De Los Muertos

I have been away from the blogosphere for quite some time now. I have loosely kept up with other posts and even in my absentia been nominated for a couple of those bloggy awards.  I appreciate the nominations and I hope that means that someone is getting something useful from this. I have not yet responded to any of the award nominations….and I probably won’t, but I appreciate the sentiment.

I’m ok….Thanks for Asking

Old LFBA had been in a car accident and decided his injuries from the crash were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the crash to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning the wayward Buddhist.

I’m Fixing a Hole….

I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in

And stops my mind from wandering

Where it will go

The One Armed Man

In the days when Television was mostly black&white, a show aired called The Fugitive.  The elusive and ethereal one-armed man was sought through the series.  I want you to know, that I have found him.

There’s Always SOMETHING to smile about.

A famous saying on divorce: “After divorce, an ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix. They cause a lot of pain and suffering. But, after it’s removed, you find you didn’t need it anyway!”

Does This Smell Bad to You?

My Last post was an article from Psychology Today called Walk Away Wife. It raises a number of points and makes me think about the demise of my own marriage.  I thought I’d take a look at it in more detail here …with the article inserted and comments added.

walk away wife

I got referred to this article from Psychology Today.  Although the title is Walk Away Wife, I think it can also apply to men. It’s an interesting read. I’ll leave it alone for right now, and then may dissect it relating what I feel are pertinent points for my impending divorce.

Inertia Boy and the Wisdom of Marion.

God and the devil lose to a common enemy: inertia. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I’ve often referred to myself as “inertia boy”.  I have a tendency to keep doing what I have been doing, liking that at the time…and then moving on without too much trouble.

When I was skydiving, I threw myself into it. Jumped every weekend that I could.  My 2nd date with X was an excursion at the drop zone.  Loved it…not so much for its adventure, but the amazing tranquility and beauty of it. Then I stopped for a variety of reasons.  People ask me now if I am done with it and I reply “I haven’t quit, I just haven’t done it in a while.”  Do I miss it?? Not really, but I know I will love it again when I go back.   

There’s someone in my head but it’s not me

“…And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear 
You shout and no one seems to hear…”

Many of the posts I have read lately revolve around the theme of “being in Limbo”.

That place of attachment to the past.

The questions, “What if…”,  “How could he/she…”, “Why???” ,  “WTF!!!???”,  “Was it all a lie??”, “Who is/was that person? Who am I??”,  “How can she/he have chosen that bastard/bitch/asshole/whore/liar/ over me????”, “what about our family??!!”, “This is not how it’s supposed to be!”. We shouldn’t be here”

All of those voices I hear.  All of those questions I have asked. There IS someone in my head but it’s not me. Yet, it is.

Five years ago we went through this once.  I thought we had healed. Renewed. Reconnected.

and now….

That doubt. Those questions. The earth shattering sense of failure. The longing for the past while knowing it can’t work anymore. The knife of betrayal which flays open the skin, baring a void where the heart once rested. 

Some are cut and look only  forward.  Others look only back.  Most of us are in the middle with the past and future playing tug of war. This is Limbo, and it ain’t a Caribbean dance. It is corporeal and emotional purgatory. The auto-psychotic division of reality.

It is also just a process and a journey.

This (mis) adventure which unites us across the globe.  Walking that path without a clear direction. The path is circular. We meet along the way to the past and future.

“The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path. 

On the path.

Until we find the old or new us….whichever we seek. To learn. To grow. To understand.

Peace to you all

LFBA

Et tu Brute?

Or maybe it should be Et Tu X.

My wife. The woman I loved with every cell in my body. The person I cherished for 15 years. The mother of my children. My best friend.

Is gone.

In her place is the cruelest, most contempt filled person I have ever met. This evil spirit took over her body.

I received the “settlement” offer from her attorney today.  Her “generous” offer would bankrupt me.

So…not only did she betray my love, take advantage of my trust, break the most sacred of our marriage vows and tear my family apart (the most important thing in the world to me), she is now trying to take everything else.  Most of the base of the assets I have left (and right now they are worth less than the debt due to business devaluations caused by the recession) were built before I was married. She is now reaching into my past and trying to destroy that too.

18 months ago when she left, she absolved herself of all financial responsibility. I offered to take on all the debt…she just had to walk away. She would not receive money, but she would exit the marriage in a better financial position than she entered.  That was not good enough. Now she wants to profit from her duplicity and take me down in the process. I live in California…a no fault divorce state. Basically that means that you can break every vow; lie, cheat and betray to your heart’s content and still go after the injured party for your perceived share.

Divorce sucks.

Unbelievable. Where the hell is that caring sweet woman I married??  Where are her ethics??

The betrayal is complete.

Buddha is nowhere to be found….the Sicilian is rising.

This ain’t good.

Peace to you all…..I have none at the moment.

Reference to a Discussion.

No new post today. Rather I can direct you to a discussion on a different blog.

One of my subscribers has a life coach. I commented on her blog recently and he commented. There has since been a protracted “discussion/debate” (depending on who you read first) between us.

It is an interesting dialogue on the nature of love, healing, coaching etc.

Here is the link

http://icansurvive.wordpress.com/2011/08/19/why-isnt-today-wednesday/

Check it out!!

 

 

 

Revelations or Confusion.

The Past: 12 yrs ago.

The vows.

Me: “You entered my life when I didn’t want anybody. Over these past few years, I’ve grown to love you a little bit more everyday.”

X: “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will always love you“

After the first affair

X: Writing to me about her love for me.

“You believe in me. Encourage me to pursue my goals and dreams.”

“You’re a willing partner (for the most part) in my adventures, willing to try new     things”

“You are a loving, patient and creative father”

” Thank you for being a constant strength on my bad days and loving me even when I’m not so loveable …I love you.”

The Present:

X has been talking about our marriage and me.  When asked what I was like she has told people that “marriage to him was hell” ”he did not listen nor support me” ” he only wants to hear what he wants to hear” “he was controlling”

and I’m thinking.

WTF!!!

Apparently the last 15 years of my life was a lie.