Tides of Change

Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age.  Sometimes age just shows up all by
itself.  ~Tom Wilson

I have often said that age is much too high a price to pay for wisdom. The above is true though. Age is inevitable. Wisdom must be sought or learned from (often bad) experience. Now, the Buddhist in me, or the Taoist in me, or the Scientist in me will argue that no experiences are inherently bad…we just choose to interpret them that way. But the betrayed husband in me and the father in me can find an easy judgment leaning away from neutrality about the experiences happening these past 2+ years.

Places That Bind

You can fall in love at first sight with a place as with a person.  ~Alec Waugh

I’m back up on the island in the pacific northwest at the house I bought for us. the second we saw this place, we fell in love with it. I love it still but hate the memories it conjures. Truthfully, I love the memories but hate that they no longer coincide with the truth as I know it now. This is my 5th incursion back since my marriage fell apart again. I wish I could say that it’s easier to be here now, but it is not.  I’m here with my son….trying to make new memories that he and I can take with us. It is what it is, but feels incomplete.

Dia De Los Muertos

I have been away from the blogosphere for quite some time now. I have loosely kept up with other posts and even in my absentia been nominated for a couple of those bloggy awards.  I appreciate the nominations and I hope that means that someone is getting something useful from this. I have not yet responded to any of the award nominations….and I probably won’t, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Conviction of Purpose….or maybe not.

It may be time to get back in the saddle, as it has been over two weeks since my last original post. Mind you…I never promised I would write regularly (lucky for you!!)

A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is…. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. ~C.S. Lewis

A Bit Numb

There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found While journeying east and west – The only folks we really wound Are those we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know, We please the fleeting guest, And deal full many a thoughtless blow To those who love us best. ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I’m on the road at the moment and have been remiss in keeping up with the haps in the sphere of blogs.  I’ll get back to it soon.  As I type, I’m in my house in the Pacific Northwest. The vast-land of Canada is only about 20 miles away. It’s beautiful up here. From my deck I can see other islands silhouetted in the distance.

I’m Fixing a Hole….

I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in

And stops my mind from wandering

Where it will go

The Future of My Past…Redux

In many of the blogs I have been reading lately, there has been a common theme of remorse at the loss of promise that divorce brings.  Even among some who initiated the divorce, this sadness is evident. So, I thought it pertinent to re-post something I put up here many months ago.

I Ask Myself These Same Questions.

Yep…..

The Heads got it right.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1wg1DNHbNU

My Little Run Away

As I walk along I wonder a what went wrong
With our love, a love that was so strong
And as I still walk on, I think of the things we’ve done

My last post brought up the subject of new and odd normalcy.  It may seem strange that I revisit some older sentiments here, but that’s what has come up in my limited mental blog-book.

The One Armed Man

In the days when Television was mostly black&white, a show aired called The Fugitive.  The elusive and ethereal one-armed man was sought through the series.  I want you to know, that I have found him.

Snuggle

I went to pick up my son (Z) from his after school day care. I have not seen him in 6 days and was missing him terribly. Last I saw him, I had to turn him over to other semi-parental unit when he was sick. I hated that.

Resolutions

New Year is a dragon. New Year is the most ferocious of all sea dragons. It lives in a palace at the bottom of the sea. ~ The Dragon New Year, David Bouchard

I saw the following quote and realized that this is definitely a resolution I can keep!!!

the significance of sadness

Ahhhh….here it is What you have all been waiting for (said with a hint of sarcasm). LFBA’s last post of 2011. 

“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.”    ―      Osho,        Everyday Osho: 365 Daily Meditations for the Here and Now

 My past, present and future were shattered again beginning Jan 1, 2010.  Sadness has definitely sunk its roots for the past 2 years. 

Gotta Get Out of My Own Way

I wrote this as a comment on another blog recently. I was not composing it, just writing from the heart and the core of my belief system at the time.

I know it seems that forgiveness absolves him…. but it does not. Forgiveness does not excuse the actions, the affair, the hurt or the deception. What it does is allow you to move past it. Forgiveness allows the pain to be examined in true light. Forgiveness can take away some of the jaded veils that cover both your eyes. It is soooooo hard to do. Forgiveness also gives him space for remorse knowing that you still love him, vs the defensive anger and hurt mode he is in now. Sometimes we all need that space…and we need a better person than us to supply it. He needs you (yes, it seems contradictory) to be that. Also though, you need you to be that. True remorse comes from a place of love, not fear and anger. He needs you to forgive so that he can find the empathy for you and feel remorse for his actions.

This, That and The Other Ring

I was cleaning some drawers, re-organising, culling clothes. I reached in to the far back and something scittered from my fingers making a familiar clang. I looked, and there they were. The rings. Side by side but no longer together. That symbol of eternal love is metaphorically broken.   I glanced at my left hand, and after almost 2 years being unencumbered by that band of gold, the dent remains. I wonder if X’s hand has healed so quickly from our time together. I wonder if there is any thought of what was real, or have those memories been so sublimated, re-arranged and replaced that our life together is just the whisper of smoke in her neural network.  The hard part to realize is that it doesn’t matter.  I need now to focus on what is, and not what I miss…or what I thought was.

I was able to spend some time with my kids. Prior to leaving for a camping trip with my son, I ran into X and our daughter.  For a moment all of us were in the same place. The air was thick with cold tension. I was avoiding any pretense of concern.  X was smiling and acting as if this was always the way it was. Putting on the nice show and making sure I knew how much better her life must now be. Funny….just two days before she sent me an email complaint that it was hard for her to get even a few hours with both kids together.  I wanted to type back in huge bold letters…”BUT YOU CREATED THE PROBLEM!!!!”  I refrained, knowing it would just come back to bite me. It was hard for my daughter to see us like this. She remembers the closeness and the family steeped in love. Her other family is going through problems too (divorce is likely) and she shoulders all of this silently. It is just so wrong. They always had problems and we (X and I) were her stability.

I want to ease this for her…but my anger at her mother is still too raw.  I think civility is not an option as long as X keeps J in my children’s lives. His own kids have little respect for him and recognize his manipulation for what it is.

The Holidays it seems, have gotten to me. In a little over a month we ring in a new year. Jan 1, 2012 will mark two times around the son since my wife began steps again to break our family. Her words to others that we would seek counseling and work on us rang so deceitfully hollow. The bell of duplicity was loud, but my faith in us was so strong I didn’t hear it.  The bell signifying the death chant of my marriage has rung.

Ding dong, the vows are dead.