I have been away from the blogosphere for quite some time now. I have loosely kept up with other posts and even in my absentia been nominated for a couple of those bloggy awards. I appreciate the nominations and I hope that means that someone is getting something useful from this. I have not yet responded to any of the award nominations….and I probably won’t, but I appreciate the sentiment.
So. Dia De Los Muertos (for those who don’t speak Spanish) is the day of the dead. It’s not the day of the dead in the traditional holiday sense….just a personal day of reckoning for me. On June 26 my marriage officially died. The court stamp says so. It has been in Hospice for quite a long time. I knew this was coming. But it does not make it any easier. Officially…I was married 16 days shy of 14 years. The last two have been as a separated couple. Truthfully, given that X had affair number 1 six years ago…My real marriage seems to be half as long as the official one.
Endurance is frequently a form of indecision. ~Elizabeth Bibesco, Haven, 195
I guess I have endured in my indecision for two years now. Not knowing how to view my past. Not knowing where to go with my future. I have endured with my anger and have held on to the pain. I rail against injustice….and I see the actions by X and J as such. Now, I must move past all of this. Although my anger last night did fuel a 7 mile run.
That’s the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they’ve been all along. ~Madeleine L’Engle
Clarity hit me yesterday when I found out that I am now single. The woman I married no longer exists. Or, if she does, she is so far buried underneath the pretentious gal that has taken her place that the original is as good as dead. My family will never be whole again. For the time being, I only have my son 1/2 time. Uggh.
Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
The slow setting in of the truth continues. The problem with the truths of my marriage, is that they changed. I no longer know, what if any part of my relationship was real. It was true for me. It was true for my daughter. It was true for my son. X has changed her version too many times and that has skewed all of our realities. The incongruity of it all has made acceptance difficult; for, what am I to accept? Not knowing the truth I only have actions to rely on. This is probably not enough for me…as even those actions were duplicitous. But it is all I have.
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece. ~William Shakespeare
Clarity is yet to overtake me. Confusion is now a masterpiece by Dali…painted in slow drying oil. Blending. Dripping. Screaming. Surreal yet actual. A bad mushroom trip induced timeline of foibles are laid bare on the canvas…and I have not yet reached resolution.
It’s terrifying to see someone inside of whom a vital spring seems to have been broken. It’s particularly terrifying to see him in your mirror. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
The mirror is truthful though. The coils have been rusted and stretched …sprung like an old mattress. A part of me no longer exists. That limb I lost is gone. Embracing myself with one arm is more difficult … the grip not so tight.
In order to judge properly, one must get away somewhat from what one is judging, after having loved it. This is true of countries, of persons, and of oneself. ~André Gide
Although only a fraction of a millimeter thick, that court decree of marital dissolution has added miles of distance. Maybe I can use that distance to view this in a different light. Maybe I can let go of my need to know why. Maybe not. But, as with many things…understanding may uncloak with time’s immortal march. As much as I wish sometimes to defy the current physics and make the hour hand move counterclockwise…I am bound by the only laws I know. In that prison, time moves only forward. I can not turn back those ticking limbs. I can not salvage and make stronger what once was. I was powerless in this.
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what’s so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what’s so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. ~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
My marriage was at point C.
X and I together would often wonder at the souls continually seeking a more verdant pasture. And then, in her own colorblindness, she forgot how green our yard was. From a distance her friends and family can see how brown her new field is…but she stares at the one blade of vibrancy in a sea of death and declares to the world her new adventure. The Buddhist in me is sorry for her. The Sicilian in me chuckles with the knowledge that her new zebra is only cloaking the stripes that have governed him for so long. I have seen those stripes whitewashed over for the 30 years I have known him. I have seen the declarations of newfound and unselfish love that he preaches. I have seen the crestfallen realizations when the new has become tedious. When adoration fades to complacency and he seeks the newest sycophant to gild his ego. I remain torn…with concern on one shoulder and vengeance on the other, each shouting and calling me to act in their stead.
Readjusting is a painful process, but most of us need it at one time or another. ~Arthur Christopher Benson
The familiarity of pain. I know this one. Readjustment. Realignment. Revision and Recidivism. It hurts to change. It hurts to carve new ground. But it also hurts more to stay.
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel
So… chisel in hand I take on the task. Outwardly the marble looks no different. Grayer. Older. Lines in abundance. These may be noticeable. The chisel and hammer though reshape from the inside. Cutting out deadwood….giving newness a chance to journey toward light.
A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. ~Jean de La Fontaine
All progress comes from failure. The past few years have been a square wheel…on my new road, I may find wheels that turn with less friction. I have avoided facing the inevitable. I no longer have a say. My horizon has faded…or maybe I’m just in a low spot on the new path.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
My goal is to simply accept this now. I do not have to like it. I definitely don’t condone it. I wish for the redemption of regret. That is not in my control….and it will probably be years before the realization of error is accepted. I can not influence this…and fighting will only cause them to dig in and rally against the battle. I will live along some distant day into the answer.
It is good to feel lost… because it proves you have a navigational sense of where “Home” is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn’t that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it. ~Erika Harris,
Peace to you who are lost. I travel beside you…in thought if not corporeally. Peace to you who have found home. Now would you turn on the porch light please so the rest of us can see where to go?
Safe journeys of discovery to you all.