I have been away from the blogosphere for quite some time now. I have loosely kept up with other posts and even in my absentia been nominated for a couple of those bloggy awards. I appreciate the nominations and I hope that means that someone is getting something useful from this. I have not yet responded to any of the award nominations….and I probably won’t, but I appreciate the sentiment.
So. Dia De Los Muertos (for those who don’t speak Spanish) is the day of the dead. It’s not the day of the dead in the traditional holiday sense….just a personal day of reckoning for me. On June 26 my marriage officially died. The court stamp says so. It has been in Hospice for quite a long time. I knew this was coming. But it does not make it any easier. Officially…I was married 16 days shy of 14 years. The last two have been as a separated couple. Truthfully, given that X had affair number 1 six years ago…My real marriage seems to be half as long as the official one.
Endurance is frequently a form of indecision. ~Elizabeth Bibesco, Haven, 195
I guess I have endured in my indecision for two years now. Not knowing how to view my past. Not knowing where to go with my future. I have endured with my anger and have held on to the pain. I rail against injustice….and I see the actions by X and J as such. Now, I must move past all of this. Although my anger last night did fuel a 7 mile run. 
That’s the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they’ve been all along. ~Madeleine L’Engle
Clarity hit me yesterday when I found out that I am now single. The woman I married no longer exists. Or, if she does, she is so far buried underneath the pretentious gal that has taken her place that the original is as good as dead. My family will never be whole again. For the time being, I only have my son 1/2 time. Uggh.
Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
The slow setting in of the truth continues. The problem with the truths of my marriage, is that they changed. I no longer know, what if any part of my relationship was real. It was true for me. It was true for my daughter. It was true for my son. X has changed her version too many times and that has skewed all of our realities. The incongruity of it all has made acceptance difficult; for, what am I to accept? Not knowing the truth I only have actions to rely on. This is probably not enough for me…as even those actions were duplicitous. But it is all I have.
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece. ~William Shakespeare
Clarity is yet to overtake me. Confusion is now a masterpiece by Dali…painted in slow drying oil. Blending. Dripping. Screaming. Surreal yet actual. A bad mushroom trip induced timeline of foibles are laid bare on the canvas…and I have not yet reached resolution.
It’s terrifying to see someone inside of whom a vital spring seems to have been broken. It’s particularly terrifying to see him in your mirror. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
The mirror is truthful though. The coils have been rusted and stretched …sprung like an old mattress. A part of me no longer exists. That limb I lost is gone. Embracing myself with one arm is more difficult … the grip not so tight.
In order to judge properly, one must get away somewhat from what one is judging, after having loved it. This is true of countries, of persons, and of oneself. ~André Gide
Although only a fraction of a millimeter thick, that court decree of marital dissolution has added miles of distance. Maybe I can use that distance to view this in a different light. Maybe I can let go of my need to know why. Maybe not. But, as with many things…understanding may uncloak with time’s immortal march. As much as I wish sometimes to defy the current physics and make the hour hand move counterclockwise…I am bound by the only laws I know. In that prison, time moves only forward. I can not turn back those ticking limbs. I can not salvage and make stronger what once was. I was powerless in this.
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what’s so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what’s so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. ~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
My marriage was at point C.
X and I together would often wonder at the souls continually seeking a more verdant pasture. And then, in her own colorblindness, she forgot how green our yard was. From a distance her friends and family can see how brown her new field is…but she stares at the one blade of vibrancy in a sea of death and declares to the world her new adventure. The Buddhist in me is sorry for her. The Sicilian in me chuckles with the knowledge that her new zebra is only cloaking the stripes that have governed him for so long. I have seen those stripes whitewashed over for the 30 years I have known him. I have seen the declarations of newfound and unselfish love that he preaches. I have seen the crestfallen realizations when the new has become tedious. When adoration fades to complacency and he seeks the newest sycophant to gild his ego. I remain torn…with concern on one shoulder and vengeance on the other, each shouting and calling me to act in their stead.
Readjusting is a painful process, but most of us need it at one time or another. ~Arthur Christopher Benson
The familiarity of pain. I know this one. Readjustment. Realignment. Revision and Recidivism. It hurts to change. It hurts to carve new ground. But it also hurts more to stay.
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel
So… chisel in hand I take on the task. Outwardly the marble looks no different. Grayer. Older. Lines in abundance. These may be noticeable. The chisel and hammer though reshape from the inside. Cutting out deadwood….giving newness a chance to journey toward light.
A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. ~Jean de La Fontaine
All progress comes from failure. The past few years have been a square wheel…on my new road, I may find wheels that turn with less friction. I have avoided facing the inevitable. I no longer have a say. My horizon has faded…or maybe I’m just in a low spot on the new path.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
My goal is to simply accept this now. I do not have to like it. I definitely don’t condone it. I wish for the redemption of regret. That is not in my control….and it will probably be years before the realization of error is accepted. I can not influence this…and fighting will only cause them to dig in and rally against the battle. I will live along some distant day into the answer.
It is good to feel lost… because it proves you have a navigational sense of where “Home” is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn’t that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it. ~Erika Harris,
Peace to you who are lost. I travel beside you…in thought if not corporeally. Peace to you who have found home. Now would you turn on the porch light please so the rest of us can see where to go?
Safe journeys of discovery to you all.
The day of the dead for me was not the day of the divorce. I can’t even remember that date, but I will never forget the 5th of October 2008 at about 6pm. Bomb drop day!
I also struggle with which memories were real. I think most of them must have been false. Dali paintings… a good comparison
Reblogged this on Just Another Journey and commented:
The day of the dead for me was not the day of the divorce. I can’t even remember that date, but I will never forget the 5th of October 2008 at about 6pm. Bomb drop day!
I also struggle with which memories were real. I think most of them must have been false. Dali paintings… a good comparison
One of the most difficult aspects of my divorce was coming to terms with the question, “Was any of it real?” in regards to my 16 year relationship. Eventually, I relaized that it was real for me and that his intention didn’t have to impact my perception. I am now at the point where I can look back and smile at the good times. I hope you can find that place, too…I’ll leave the light on:)
I think we are all looking for the light, for a safe place in our journey. No matter which side we are on, it’s tough accepting the inevitable. I hope you find the light, peace and can move on.
“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of LIFE…Getting back up is LIVING …..” — Lois Heady
Like “still learning 2b”, I keep looking back and asking myself whether any of it was real when she told me she had never seen me in the light she promised she did when we married.
Very best wishes on your new journey. I know it can be difficult at times to see this as a new opportunity but you seem a positive person and you will come through.
- Frank at Chin Up Chest High (formerly 30 something and breaking up).
What a beautiful and thoughtful post. I feel the pain in my gut as I read, reliving moments in my failed marriage as if it were yesterday. Always trying to understand. Always remembering why eventually. The recording lives on, preserved for eternity. Alongside it–or in spite of it–happiness is still possible. Hang in there.
Hi,
I’m fairly sure that what you had was very real. No doubt, even as X got herself in over her head, she still didn’t lose her feelings for you. Trying to keep that spark alive after the first affair was again very likely to be completely genuine. The second and final affair was curtains and miserable. But revel in the time you did have and expect to have more good times with someone else. It will be *different* but it may be as good or better than before.
Keep well, SD.
It hurts to change. It hurts to carve new ground. But it also hurts more to stay.
When the pain of staying where you are is greater than the pain of change, then change is possible. You are on a great journey to a great new future. Focus on your future. Create goals and envisage what it will be like when you’ve achieved them – how great you will feel, how you will stand and speak. Then practice that feeling and hold on to it.
I know you know all this!!
My thoughts are with you on your journey. I’ll be ‘walking beside you’ every step of the way. As I know you are ‘walking beside me’ as I step along mine.
Peace be with you too
It was different for me, as I was the one who left, but the feelings were similar. Also there was no one else involved, no greener pasture. You are also right, the end is often before the physical separation, or the divorce itself. Hang in there it does get better, but look backwards fir lessons not for ammunition. You future life lies ahead of you, and the same for your son.