As I sit here alone in my big house, devoid of my family…I realize I need some levity. Hope these bring a smile to you too.
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. “She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. “She was a real lady,” his mistress said. “How so?” the encouraged man asked. “She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard that ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year.”
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.” “OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” “Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?” “Because you got an F in sex.”
She married him because he was such a “strong man” She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”
He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.” He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”
She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.” She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”
He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.” He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”
She married him because he was “happy and romantic.” She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”
He married her because she was “steady and sensible.” He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”
She married him because he was “the life of the party.” She divorced him because he is always “the life of the party.”
Dan married a woman with an identical twin. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. “Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge.
“Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife looked exactly alike, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake,” said Dan.
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.
“You’d better believe there is a difference, your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”
Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. “Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the ‘other woman’ in her husband’s life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?” “Well, yes,” acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, “but I couldn’t help it.” “Couldn’t help it?” asked the lawyer derisively. “How’s that?” “Mr. Evans deceived me.” “Exactly what do you mean?” “See, when we signed in,” she explained, “he told the motel clerk I was his wife.”