I went to pick up my son (Z) from his after school day care. I have not seen him in 6 days and was missing him terribly. Last I saw him, I had to turn him over to other semi-parental unit when he was sick. I hated that.
I won’t lie, it did make me smile to know that he passed along his nasty little bug to his mother and J…and they had some gastric difficulties ensue. 
Of course upon seeing him I wanted a big hug, but he was more concerned with keeping up his play activity. Apparently he had not eaten well throughout the day, and he promptly then threw a little tantrum. Although he is as big as a 10-year-old, and sometimes speaks like a 35 yr old, I have to remind myself that he is only 7.
Fortunately that was resolved in minutes. We got home, I made a nice bachelor dinner. Mixed green salad, sliced persimmons, roasted Kubocha Squash with a dash of raw sugar and cayenne pepper, and the main course……drum roll……..hot dogs. He likes his with ketchup, I prefer brown mustard and sweet pickle relish.
Then we proceeded on with the normal routine. Homework, shower teeth brushing and bed. He decided that since he had not been with me for so long, he wanted to sleep in my bed. Although I’m weaning him off of this again, I said ok. Soon he was sleeping and so was I. (way before my normal bedtime).
I woke up and came out to do some work. I was doing ok. I have my son. We are good…it’s not complete but he is my bud An hour later I heard rustling behind me. He took my hand, said one word and then headed back to bed. The word issued was the gentle command “Snuggle”.
He had a little bad dream and he wanted Dad. Of course, this is what I love. But it brought to light again the deep divisions in my life. I’m supposed to be here for him every night. I’m not. Rather I am but he is not. That wave of “failure” just rushed over me. I know…I didn’t choose this…and I managed to fight it off.
It’s amazing though, I’m almost two years into this and one word…one little admonition of need…one moment of love from my son…can make me feel tall and small in the same instant.
I went in and rearranged his covers, Snuggled with him and repeated the mantra I tell him every night he is with me. He just pulled my arm around him tightly and curled up in a ball of man-child. I watched him breathe for 15 minutes or so and then came back out to work. Needless to say that the eyes were moist. The little voices shout in my ear…platitudes in one ear, contempt in the other.
But, this is where we are.
I need a good dragon to slay.
I’ve heard about a couple of dragons 5 miles away that I’d like to sink my sword into… wanna set up a game plan?
Just kidding. I love hearing about you and your son. You are blessed to have each other.
I hear ya DJ…
My children are the reason I get up in the morning.
Got to have all three of us together for a bit yesterday. It was wonderful.
I have a particular Amazonian Dragon (rare but preditory – especially the female of the species) that I would like to slay!
Let’s form a task force!
Ohhh….darn. How easily I forget. I vowed to be polite to dragons in my last post, Lest I taste good as a crunchy treat with Ketchup.
Yeah, but surely it can’t eat us all at once? I mean I’m sure some of us would give it quite the nasty case of indigestion!
Dang…and here I was really thinking that I could keep that first resolution to be nice to dragons ahd here you all are, encoraging me to break that. Wow…thanks for all the support. ROFL
I believe dragons are supposed to be slayed, then lightly fried in batter or should that be butter and served with ketchup or just ‘revenge’ source!
How about if I just domesticate them ….and then they work FOR us!!!
I’ve heard they taste like chicken……
So do frog legs and rattlesnake. Alligator tastes a little like it too.
Amazingly, nothing tastes like Turkey….I wonder why?
oh man…..a totally amazing description of a hands on daddy’s life…. well done LFBA! You are the kind of daddy I love…. snuggle away – let ‘em sleep in your bed, he won’t stay there forever!
Thanks 35MS
I had Z with me last year when I saw my old girlfriend (the one before X) after a 17 year absence from my life. She knew me as a total bachelor…
She couldn’t stop smirking and looking at me funny…and she finally remarked. :who would have ever thought…you are a total dad”
That line in Jerry McGuire is so accurate when tweaked for this. My family completed me. The problem with having been complete once, is that the holes are now obviously apparent. I still covet what I have lost.
. I still covet what I have lost. – don’t we all.
Well I know I do.
I get a phone message tonight…and there is my guy wanting to say goodnight. problem is I hear his egg donor coaching him in the background.
Tell Daddy this…and then tell daddy… 
aarrrggghhhh. it’s all so f^#*in phony !!! It’s obvious she put him up to it to “prove” how much she still cares and to show that we should all just be ok with this.
The offer to sink my sword into those two dragons 5 miles away still stands. I actually do have a set, you know – swords, I mean. And I know how to use them. Bwahahahaha!
Thank you ,,,,and it takes all of my Buddhaness and some borrowed from the universe to reply this way….but, let’s let karma burn their buns. (the sicilian in me is now howling with pain and disappointment)
At least she’s couching him into saying things, mine gets him off the phone.
When you say that you “still covet what (you) have lost” I wonder if you forget or realize that you haven’t lost as much as you think. Think of this:
1. If you had your boy with you all the time, you would NOT treasure your time as much. There would be tough times that would weigh on you along with the fun times you already love. For example, I love my girls but if YOU volunteered to have them for a week, I’d be on kayak.com before you could say “Bon voyage!”
2. I assume you realize that these marvelous times you’re having with him now may be paid back sooner than you realize. Somewhere between his current age and 18, *he* will probably ask for the chance to decide on a new custody arrangement and he seems far more likely to want to be there with you full-time in the future.
In summary, you get lots of fun times with him, without him draining you. As he gets older and much more interesting than now, I’m sure you’ll have him full-time. Glorious times here and in the future!
Cheers, SD.
Hi SD
I hear what you are saying….and I am fully granting that it is tougher with 3 girls than 1 boy. But Honestly, I would take all of the tough times and be glad about them. I still coveted my time with the kids when I had them full time. There are shifts and I may make different efforts now…but I would still want Z full time. Snot, sick, tantrums…all of it. Bring it on.
Z knows too. For his 4th birthday party, he was throwing a tantrum and driving me bonkers. His mom left to get to the place and greet guests and I stayed behind trying to get Z out the door. He was having a really bad day.
As we were driving, and he was obviously upset (and I was pissed off). he said “Daddy, even though you are mad at me, I know you still love me and even though I am mad at you, I still love you”
So…he gets it.
I agree with SD. I know how hard it is to accept, but you have your children (albeit part-time), you have their love (full-time), and you have G, let’s not forget her.
Maybe, someday, you, her and all your children will form some funny but solid kind of family of your own…
Meanwhile, I know how hard it is, so hugs from France xx
Thank you Lady E.
G’s kids are already involved in his life over at X and J’s. Although I appreciate that “they want to be there to save him from the effects of Dad for when he fucks up” (a quote from one of them)….I hate the circumstances and reasons. X and J try to make it all “one big happy family”…..
Under different circumstances I might think this was best for Z, but given the nature of it, and that I know J, it is not.
We’ll get through. Lots of people do.
and it is nice to see some light on your path. !
I know you feel the loss of constant contact, and I’m pretty sure that will never go away. That being said, I don’t completely see this as a loss- it’s all about relationship, imo, and you still have a stellar one. It’s changed. It’s different. But the nature of the relationship is no less different, and may actually be better for him, since he has the ability to compare scenarios….. At what age, where you live, are the kids able to affect custody? Where I live, it’s 10.
And I also would let him stay in the bed- I think it was Billy Dean’s song that said “Let them be little….” He won’t always want to be there; just like he wasn’t always not sleeping all night and wearing diapers. It’s fantastic that you aren’t forcing him into a position he’s not ready for.
You are obviously doing a lot right. Hard not to see the bad in the lack of time, but the good is really good.
And I am *certain* he knows it.
It’s true, the good is good. I don’t know if anything about this could be better for him though. I know that j is a manipulative narcissist…and any time around my son, even under the guise of having fun, can not be good for him…
and that is a deep cut I have to wear.
This brought tears to my eyes. My babies have only been gone two nights, but I still miss that last hug before they left, and what I would give to snuggle right now. My baby girl always tell me to come ‘love on her’, and we hit the nearest comfy object with fuzzy blankets and pillow pets and snuggle in. Hold on to those little moments, it’s what keeps you going. I’ve discovered smiles and tears at the same time are ok too.
That last hug…and knowing it is the last for awhile, is so hard. it usually means that shortly thereafter I’ll be thrown into a little fit of sorrow.
I’m sorry that this aspect has touched all of our lives.
Peace to you
big to u…Every child should have a father like you
Tears fill my eyes as I am reading your posts. For some reason, many believe only men cheat, and you bring a completely different perspective. My heart goes out to you and your son. Divorce is very difficult for children. My parents divorced when I was 5 and their divorce was due to infidelity as well.
I don’t know if this is appropriate or not, however, I speak my mind. What kind of woman who has children cheats??? I will never understand this, your a mother for god sakes. I am in no way saying cheating is right, however, I accept it more coming from a man.
You seem like an incredible person and a wonderful father. I can only hope that you truly find happiness one day, and retain full custody of your kids. Im sorry, but what kind of example and role model can your x-wife be if she just went out and cheated. Again, I know this may be harsh, but I have absolutely no respect for any woman that cheats. Double standard, I know. . .But this is how I feel. . .
Ariella. Thank you for reading and commenting. I don’t understand the infidelity. With regard to why people do it, there are many reasons. I certainly played a role in her feeling this was an option, at least the first time. A marriage is composed of many parts, The family, the marriage, the wife and the husband. When times got tough, I placed the family first, We needed to have a roof, food, etc. The wife came 2nd. Our marriage probably came in third. For me this was just a temporaray imbalance along the road to our time together. For her it was an interpretation that I did not care. It became a valid option and she made a mistake. I don’t like it, but I understand. The 2nd time though I feel more like you do. How could she do this?? i don’t know. She feels like her “guy” is her soulmate and only he understands her. Many people see right through him….but for some reason he is this trigger for her. I wish I had the answer and could have been able to fix it, but I do not. I can’t imagine being the child in this. My son does not fully understand…but I sure as hell don’t like the lesson he has been taught.
From what I have read on your blog…you may understand what my wife may feel for the guy.