I went to pick up my son (Z) from his after school day care. I have not seen him in 6 days and was missing him terribly. Last I saw him, I had to turn him over to other semi-parental unit when he was sick. I hated that.
I won’t lie, it did make me smile to know that he passed along his nasty little bug to his mother and J…and they had some gastric difficulties ensue.
Of course upon seeing him I wanted a big hug, but he was more concerned with keeping up his play activity. Apparently he had not eaten well throughout the day, and he promptly then threw a little tantrum. Although he is as big as a 10-year-old, and sometimes speaks like a 35 yr old, I have to remind myself that he is only 7.
Fortunately that was resolved in minutes. We got home, I made a nice bachelor dinner. Mixed green salad, sliced persimmons, roasted Kubocha Squash with a dash of raw sugar and cayenne pepper, and the main course……drum roll……..hot dogs. He likes his with ketchup, I prefer brown mustard and sweet pickle relish.
Then we proceeded on with the normal routine. Homework, shower teeth brushing and bed. He decided that since he had not been with me for so long, he wanted to sleep in my bed. Although I’m weaning him off of this again, I said ok. Soon he was sleeping and so was I. (way before my normal bedtime).
I woke up and came out to do some work. I was doing ok. I have my son. We are good…it’s not complete but he is my bud An hour later I heard rustling behind me. He took my hand, said one word and then headed back to bed. The word issued was the gentle command “Snuggle”.
He had a little bad dream and he wanted Dad. Of course, this is what I love. But it brought to light again the deep divisions in my life. I’m supposed to be here for him every night. I’m not. Rather I am but he is not. That wave of “failure” just rushed over me. I know…I didn’t choose this…and I managed to fight it off.
It’s amazing though, I’m almost two years into this and one word…one little admonition of need…one moment of love from my son…can make me feel tall and small in the same instant.
I went in and rearranged his covers, Snuggled with him and repeated the mantra I tell him every night he is with me. He just pulled my arm around him tightly and curled up in a ball of man-child. I watched him breathe for 15 minutes or so and then came back out to work. Needless to say that the eyes were moist. The little voices shout in my ear…platitudes in one ear, contempt in the other.
But, this is where we are.
I need a good dragon to slay.