Sorrow makes us all children again – destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I retrieved my mail today and there were the usual Holiday season cards. I saw the return address of one and thought it a bit odd…as it was from a mutual friend (acquaintance) of X and mine. She was X’s friend but I met her in Late 2008. She and I immediately took a liking to each other as she is a very sweet person. One of the things she commented on many times is how wonderful the relationship was between X and I. She longed for the same type of thing. She commented often on how obvious it was that I loved my wife and family…and they loved me. She and I had conversations about values, integrity etc. She knew exactly what X and my family meant to me. But, I really have not heard from her since just after X left…although I know she still sees X and Z (my son).
So, I was pleasantly surprised to find in the mail what must have been a holiday card. I opened it up and saw the picture of her and her daughter….then turned it over to read. “X, J & Z. Hope to see you all soon….” Then I finally looked at the address line. Yep…she sent them a card to my address. She has been to their house and mine…she knows the difference. I know this was just a mistake, but ouch that knife got twisted. The adult thing would have been to repackage it and deposit again in the post with her correct address. Instead, the enraged and hurt 5 yr old in me ripped it to shreds and threw it in the trash.
It is so hard for me to accept that X and J’s decisions of duplicity and deception while spinning the story to romanticise all that they have done, is so widely treated as normal and ok. I don’t know if our friend has ever been cheated on…but X has friends that were. Even they, who were completely devastated by their spouses infidelity seem to think that X’s was ok. I guess the guise of friends who offer “unlimited” support is enough to transcend their own experience. In my mind, they all enabled her instead of asking her to face some truth. Escape. Live in the now. Plans don’t matter if they don’t serve one in the moment. Do what you want. You DESERVE this. All words said to X from her support group…and anyone (well one person) that questioned her “sanity” was being non-supportive and summarily disregarded.
It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. ~Colette
I have had some offline conversations with fellow bloggers. Sometimes they have asked if I am able to move forward. From the blog, It may seem sometimes like no progress is being made. That is not true, I just tend to blog more about the more disheartening experiences. I’m still in shock and grief.
I spent a lovely weekend in the company of G. During that time, I was mostly ok. We spent some time working around her house and other times just hanging out. I even managed a smile/laugh here and there. 
I returned home last night…and while cleaning up, came across some pictures that Z had recently drawn for me.
Those are the moments where the “2 steps back” part of this journey apply. I miss my kids. I hate dropping Z off at school knowing I won’t see him that evening. I hate that he is around J at all. I know…time will tell. He will feel about J as J’s own kids do…without the benefit of having to love him because he is Dad. Z knows that I am Dad and will always be there for him…even when we are not together.
The fact that we are not together by someone else’s choice is not something I can blame myself for. That’s the logical line anyway.
Maybe I should go see “It’s a Wonderful Life”…
Peace to All of you. LFBA
Don’t kid yourself into thinking her friends are fine with it. Women are a fickle bunch and rarely say what they mean. I’m sure the gossiping ensues behind her back. Just remember Karma is a powerful thing.
I wish you a peace filled and loving Christmas xxx
Thank you for the comment. It’s a nice thought anyway…still difficult for me to see it all publically embraced. No wonder most marriages fail with that attitude that the vows have come to be “for better or what have you done for me lately”.
Peaceful Holidays to you too.
I hope you are finding some comfort in the blogworld.
I’ve found a lot of peace…but you know….I never let a grudge go…ever…
T.
T…Glad your blogging hiatus was short lived. i’ve been reading…just have not commented in a bit.
I have no grudge against the “friend’…I’m sure it was inadvertent.
I do hold grudges against J and X….still mostly J because I know what a good politician he would make…
It’s internally difficult to hate X….the emotions continue to conflict over what she was and what she has become.
Thomas,
I’m curious. Why not let a grudge go? In my own life, had I taken that approach with my ex, I would half as ready for tomorrow as I am now. I would be keeping a long list of Washington DC drivers tags for whom some kind of missile-driven revenge would be the minimum to even the score. I would also be very busy avoiding the people that I have inadvertently upset in the past if they had the same approach!
Do we need to get LFBA to tame the wild man in you?
Cheers, SD.
I cannot offer you direct consolation other than knowing that having more time with your kids is not ALWAYS a Good Thing!
I can offer you indirect consolation with the though that, as they grow older, they have more opportunities to make their own decisions about the parent they want to be with. Let’s aim for them wanting to change the arrangements in your favor…
My daughter has commented at times that she would like to come back and live with me…but it’s just too complicated with her mom and her biological dad also in town.
I’m hoping my son will want to be with me full time. If X and J remain together (aaaargggghhhhh bad thoughts bad thoughts!!!**!*!* ), I think that will happen.
I know the trials of having the kids here all the time. Parenting can be frustrating. But, I also know about being alone in a house too big…where every room is a reminder that my family was whole here. Bring it on I say. The bickering, the messes, the snotty noses, the bad days at school and the tantrums. there is no job I would relish as much. And…then I would not feel so bad if I did need to get away for a week here, or a few days there. Now…I have had to turn down a bunch of business trips or chances for fun things that fell on days I was scheduled to be with my son. I did not sign up for marriage or family to have to “schedule” time with my kids.
Hope you are getting through the trials of single Dad to 3 girls. Maybe if I had that situation, I’d pull my hair out. Oh…wait. I’m bald.
I would also have torn the card to shreds – and burned the shreds to ashes, too. 5 years old – no. Just NOT OVER IT!
We are getting through it the best we can. That we can laugh and make jokes and enjoy time in activities says that we really are getting through it. Last year at this time, I made no jokes. I enjoyed no moments at all. This year, I am enjoying time with my kids and with my friends, and yes, in my case, even with my husband. There is just still that part of me that is stuck. It rears its ugly head at inopportune moments and flies triggers and flashbacks at me. It won’t go away largely because I cannot accept the betrayal that goes against all the values I hold dear…
But we are getting through it. Bless you, my dear wise one.
Thanks NOI.
I’m happy for you that some things are easier. It will take more time and more work and then more work after that. No matter how it turns out for you I hope you can be a better person than I have been through all of it. I understand completely about not being able to accept the betrayal that goes agains all the values you hold dear. More than one of my older posts speaks of these feelings…http://divorcedandangry.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/unconditional-love/ and http://divorcedandangry.wordpress.com/2011/07/23/solitudes-silent-resolve/ are a couple of them.
And yes…we are getting through. Tooth and nail, fighting for inches.
Peace to you
I have read both of these comments before, but it was good to read them again in my current state of mind. It is hard journey you are on. I am grateful to be able to learn from you. Only someone who has been through it can truly understand.
DJ
I know these moments of knife twisting. They hurt and there is no avoiding them.
But mostly, I am glad you get to spend nice times with G. She is your key back to life and happiness.
In the meantime, I know the journey’s is long and tortuous…And the house very empty without the children…
x
RE: Key back to happiness…..Yes, G….among many of you who, although strangers, have been supportive in this weird community we belong to. So thank you!!
Again, I completely relate to your words. You always capture what I’m feeling better than I can express it. On Meredith’s “Now Is Good” blog, she wrote about friends and family “sanctioning” the marriage of her ex and the mistress. That word is so perfect for her situation, and yours with the Christmas card. It is an extra betrayal from our friends and family when they support or sanction what the cheaters have done to their families. I expected so many people in our lives to stand up to my ex for what he did, but it never happened. Either people don’t want to get involved, or they are really okay with the lying, cheating, family-destroying actions of our exes. I remember several years before I was in this situation, my son’s preschool teacher’s husband cheated and left her and their 2 small children for his mistress. I was not close to her, other than the respect I had for her as my son’s teacher. But, when I found out, I was no longer able to smile and make casual conversation with her ex when I saw him in the preschool hallway or out in the community. I made it very clear to him what I thought of his actions. The fact that our society doesn’t take a strong approach against cheating is why this has become so common and accepted. Not sure how that will ever change. It is such a society of ME and my happiness, who cares the pain that may cause others. I didn’t choose to be forced away from my children 40% of their lives. I used to send out 350 Christmas cards, I loved the holidays and keeping in touch with old friends, distant family, previous co-workers, etc. I haven’t sent a Christmas card in 2 years. It is too painful and embarrassing to no longer be able to sign “The XX Family”. I haven’t opened last year’s Christmas cards (or this year’s) that I received. They are in a box with my Christmas decorations. It is too painful to see all the family cards, as that is what should still be for us. A family. I hope someday to enjoy the holidays again. I put on a front for the kids about how exciting the holidays are, and make it fun and special, but I dread each holiday because I am either forced away from my children the whole time or have to split the time with the ex. I would have thrown that person’s card away, too. Your ex doesn’t need any further support and justification from what should have been stand-up moral friends/family/acquaintances. She clearly has enough of that, as my ex does. Thanks again for your blog, it is always so helpful to me.
ATXMom. I remember Meredith’s post very well…I wrote a similar one around the same time. One of the big “feelings” is that it appears that the cheaters win. They get off without consequence and leave us to clean it up…and then we are made to be the bad guy if we are upset about it. My X has told others that if I ever really loved her, I should just want her to be happy with her new love!!
I also expected more backlash from people….but nobody wants to make waves and in all honesty, it is not their battle to wage. They will hear about the ex’s side…and try to take middle ground. Were I adhereing fully to my Buddhist leanings, I would be more neutral too and try to teach from that loving neutrality….but this hit too close to home.
Keep plugging and strive to move forward. It will get better. SInce
I don’t really celebrate the holdays in a traditional fashion, parts of that are easier for me…like cards. But man, that last one hurt.
Peace to you
I thought I was really doing well. Here I am focusing on my future, ticking all the boxes then a card arrives today addressed to us both – a friend of his he still hasn’t told!! Definitely a step back moment.
As to how other people treat X – well that’s their decision. When Alex and I split I told everyone I hoped they could remain friends with us both and I didn’t want anyone to take sides – and I’ve stuck to it. If they were friends with both of us before then there is no reason why that shouldn’t continue. They may not approve of what he’s done to me but I wouldn’t want them to cut him dead.
Hi Caroline….A part of me wants her to have that base of friends too. She will need support later when J remembers his own stripes. The “advice ” she got though early on through her “eat pray love” -envy friends was just so disheartening.
Some of these people claimed envy at the relationship X and I had….and in their “support” they bent like baby willows to help X leave ….without even trying to work through things. Thats the most galling part.
I know getting the card was just an error in both of our situations. But man, it pulled me right back into it for a bit.
Keep the horizon in view. Take the steps now which will move you toward your new sunrise. You are an inspiration to many of us!!
One extremely difficult night, I tore 2 books to shred because the one belongs to Her (he brought and kept it here at our home, WTF) and the other is the sequel that my husband bought himself. It was on the bookshelf for months and months but that one painful night, I just couldn’t help myself. I haven’t told him about it and wonder if he notices that the 2 books are missing from the bookshelf.
I feel your pain and I wish you all the strength and patience during this holiday time.
Good job, Fighter! I said in my comment above that I would have burned the shreds to ashes. I know that for a fact because I did that – to photos of her, photos of their alumni association functions, to receipts – a whole bunch of stuff. I have printed emails that they received from their friends and burned those, too. And I proudly showed him the ashes each time.
The only thing which may have made the shredding and burning better….would be if the CS helped to do it!!!
After round 1, X did delete all the emails and that was somewhat helpful. But J, was also the person that took pictures of her and us when we were expecting Z….so although I love the pictures of her bulging belly….I have to know that the duplicitous bastard took them, and he has his own copies that he would show in the photo class he taught while he and X were on “hiatus”. Can’t burn them, but can’t look at them either.
I don’t believe people condone cheating or infidelity. I think that we are simply used to it. Unfortunately, people used to do it from the beginning of our “known history”. You can go back to the Old Testament and read about King David and his exploits to get the married woman he wanted. That’s only one story and there are thousands. What I see here is “human nature”, which is not always noble, faithful nor honest. With 50% divorce rate I am positive that so many of them occur because of infidelities, much more than we know.
I think that it is hard to believe that the pain will ever go away, but I know it does. It may take one a year, and another three years, but I have seen how we come to a place of transformation, and to that day when we wake up and life feels good again.
Thank you for reading and your comments. Yep…we are used to it. Sad.
The divorce rate has never been 50%. That is a widely quoted, but inaccurate figure. Actually the divorce rate peaked in 1981 and has been falling ever since, and it’s now somewhere around 33-34%.