Sorrow makes us all children again – destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I retrieved my mail today and there were the usual Holiday season cards. I saw the return address of one and thought it a bit odd…as it was from a mutual friend (acquaintance) of X and mine. She was X’s friend but I met her in Late 2008. She and I immediately took a liking to each other as she is a very sweet person. One of the things she commented on many times is how wonderful the relationship was between X and I. She longed for the same type of thing. She commented often on how obvious it was that I loved my wife and family…and they loved me. She and I had conversations about values, integrity etc. She knew exactly what X and my family meant to me. But, I really have not heard from her since just after X left…although I know she still sees X and Z (my son).
So, I was pleasantly surprised to find in the mail what must have been a holiday card. I opened it up and saw the picture of her and her daughter….then turned it over to read. “X, J & Z. Hope to see you all soon….” Then I finally looked at the address line. Yep…she sent them a card to my address. She has been to their house and mine…she knows the difference. I know this was just a mistake, but ouch that knife got twisted. The adult thing would have been to repackage it and deposit again in the post with her correct address. Instead, the enraged and hurt 5 yr old in me ripped it to shreds and threw it in the trash.
It is so hard for me to accept that X and J’s decisions of duplicity and deception while spinning the story to romanticise all that they have done, is so widely treated as normal and ok. I don’t know if our friend has ever been cheated on…but X has friends that were. Even they, who were completely devastated by their spouses infidelity seem to think that X’s was ok. I guess the guise of friends who offer “unlimited” support is enough to transcend their own experience. In my mind, they all enabled her instead of asking her to face some truth. Escape. Live in the now. Plans don’t matter if they don’t serve one in the moment. Do what you want. You DESERVE this. All words said to X from her support group…and anyone (well one person) that questioned her “sanity” was being non-supportive and summarily disregarded.
It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. ~Colette
I have had some offline conversations with fellow bloggers. Sometimes they have asked if I am able to move forward. From the blog, It may seem sometimes like no progress is being made. That is not true, I just tend to blog more about the more disheartening experiences. I’m still in shock and grief.
I spent a lovely weekend in the company of G. During that time, I was mostly ok. We spent some time working around her house and other times just hanging out. I even managed a smile/laugh here and there. I returned home last night…and while cleaning up, came across some pictures that Z had recently drawn for me.
Those are the moments where the “2 steps back” part of this journey apply. I miss my kids. I hate dropping Z off at school knowing I won’t see him that evening. I hate that he is around J at all. I know…time will tell. He will feel about J as J’s own kids do…without the benefit of having to love him because he is Dad. Z knows that I am Dad and will always be there for him…even when we are not together.
The fact that we are not together by someone else’s choice is not something I can blame myself for. That’s the logical line anyway.
Maybe I should go see “It’s a Wonderful Life”…
Peace to All of you. LFBA