The triumvirate of Holiday explosion is upon us. HapMerry Thanksmasyear that is. I prefer Festivus for the rest of us myself.
This is now season number 2 that I enter with my family broken. I have emerged (so far) from the financial uncertainties bleeding, but only from veins and not from the femoral artery. I think that wound will take a while to close, but I have always managed to weather financial storms.
The emotional turmoil of the holidays has begun. My daughter again getting pulled in 3 directions–all vying for her company. If her biological dad and his wife were to get divorced then we could each have a limb to pull on. This is all so unfair to her. Once again I feel the pangs of guilt for being responsible. (YES I KNOW….X did this. I know it. You have told me this. I believe it intellectually….but that all goes away when I look upon the pain and angst in her face when confronted by all of this.).
X’s family has begun to distance themselves from me. Sad, but inevitable as they do not want to be caught in the middle. Although they hate J…they do what they feel they must to ease all of this. I understand, but it is another piece of my heart that is broken. They were my family for almost 15 years. We love each other…but X is their blood. they have lost respect for her, but she is theirs.
My son has it the easiest. presents from 2 households. YAY. He has figured out who G is. Fortunately he was introduced slowly enough that he does not see her as a threat. He thinks it’s kind of funny that G is J’s ex-wife. He does not understand the whole dynamic yet but did comment that “It’s ok if G is your friend Daddy….she is not the reason that we are getting divorced”. He knows. He understands. I’m taking him away again this Xmas to visit my family. He loves his cousins. I wish they were not so far away.
I do reflect and am aware that I have it better off than so many. I am thankful for that. There remains a roof over my head. My health has suffered from the stress, but I will recover from that. My kids are healthy and they know I love them above all else. G has helped so much this past year and a half. I am thankful for all of that.
Yet the pain lingers. The guilt. The sense of loss. The wounds of betrayal. These are all evident. I hide them better now. My face does not read like the 1st book of despair. But inside the hurt can be felt. It is dulling. I find the swings between normalcy and pain are greater though. Maybe that’s because there is some degree of normalcy now where there was none before and that give me something to compare the hurt to.
I am trying to look forward more than back. It remains that my horizon is dark, where once it shone so brightly…but I look for the fireflies in the distance. Soon I hope to form new visions.
In keeping with that thought though…I will take up the cause of some other bloggers. Lady E, a blogger I subscribe to, posted this ( http://poorcowinfrance.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/nine-things-i-love/ ). A list of things one loves. I placed some of mine on her blog in comment. I’ll repeat them here and challenge you to think about this topic too.
Peace to you all
Nine things I love.
1: My Kids. every second of every hour.
2. The fresh sweet tomatoes I pulled off the vine a few hours ago.
4. My son’s moments of being 35, quipping wise thoughts….and then being 7 again a nanosecond later
5. Carmelized onions, heirloom tomatoes and fresh italian basil made into my Marguerite soup
6. The crispness of the morning as Fall comes into swing.
7. Sleep….still rare but I love it.
8. Pachelbel’s Canon in D
9. Being able to run again
I have been remiss in posting lately. Busy taking care of the business of divorce and the business of business. I have contemplated putting this blog to rest, six feet under ground, but have decided to continue and allow it to morph into whatever it will become. Thank you all for your kindness these past 7 months since I began.